still tumble weeds!

nothing new really going on cycle wise... just waiting to O! and it seems like it will NEVER come! but such is life... sometimes I think about just giving up and just ntnp because it would be easier to just not worry about it and focus on something else... like loosing weight! lol I know I talk a lot about it... but still... it needs to be done! and who knows maybe I would get pregnant easier if I lost 100+ lbs... but for now we are still TTC!

I have really been trying to keep stress out of my life... but it seems to like me! and wont leave me the heck ALONE! its like one of those clingy boyfriends that just doesn't get the hint! lol but I think I just need to find a good book to read and just get sucked in!

this week so far is going good! we spent time with family on Sunday and Monday! and we have our nephew for the week! he always makes us laugh! hes too funny! and happy that we get to keep him in the summer time! Gracie loves him too! I went to bed the same time Mark was leaving for work... and Gracie started out sleeping with me and then decided she would rather sleep with the smelly kid! :) that's it for now! ttfn!

one HECK of a day!

so today... well yesterday I went to a birthday party for one of my nieces... and one of my step brothers was there with his wife... they have 3 children and the told me one on the way as of 2 months ago... UGH!!!! they kind of threw it in my face that they are pregnant AGAIN!!! sheesh... what does it take for me to get pregnant?!?!? this FRIGGIN SUCKS!!!! and also Marks co-worker's wife just had her baby today... or yesterday... but the thing with them is they had been trying for 6 months to get pregnant got on clomid and BAM pregnant!

right now Mark and I are watching his sisters girls while her and her husband are in Alaska! but they get back tomorrow night!!! their girls are AMAZINGLY GOOD! there was ONE melt down day and that was hard but we struggled through it! and thank GOODNESS for his sister thinking of giving us the weekend off!!! :) we were sooooooooooooooooooooo happy to go home and sleep in our own bed! and have our own stuff around us! and the new Harry Potter movie came out! the last one... I'm sad its over but WOW was that one good!!! Mark took me out to go see it on Sat. it was nice to get out just the two of us! we both were happy to not have any kids at that moment... but I was telling Mark that it would be soooooooooooooo different with our own children because you get use to the idea from the day you find out your pregnant! you start getting use to the idea of being on "Mommy, Daddy" mode and its all about the kids... but with us still trying to conceive we arnt quiet there yet... and we obviously have time to get into that "mode"!

so here I am... at almost 4:00 in the morning... only getting about 30 mins. of sleep... and I'm going to have to get up in about 2-3 hours... but I finally fell asleep after tossing and turning and then my niece woke up crying so I got up and made sure she was alright and put her back to bed but then I couldnt sleep... so Im up updating this! lol its ok... I just have to get through this last day with the girls and then Marks sister gets home tonight! :) as far as TTC stuff... well I feel like I'm going to Start my period... but on the plus side of that if I do start that would mean my cycle is getting regular again! :) its shorter then the last 50 day cycle and before that 100+ day cycle! so thats a good thing! I have been thinking about not ttc and maybe just NTNP (not try not prevent) again... and focus on loosing weight... its just soooooo hard looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger... a BIG FAT stranger looking back at me... and plus if/when we do have children I want to set good habits and be a good example to my children! I dont want them to have to deal with all of my struggles... if they get Marks metabolism then they wont have to deal with it... and Ive been thinking about going home and throwing out all of our JUNK food and stocking up with TONS of vegies and fruits! I LOVE THEM! so I should EAT more of them right? and not have a problem with it... but then I have those DANG CRAVINGS! and they are the DEATH of me! I know if I lost some weight it might help with us conceiving... and I know I would feel a MILLION times better about myself and the way I feel... but ttc AND trying to loose weight is just too hard for me emotionally... its already hard just to do one or the other but BOTH?!?! now thats just CRUEL! so I'm going to stick with my deadline of February if I'm not pregnant by then... then I'm going to NTNP and work on getting healthy and skinny! :) it doesn't mean that I cant start making healthier decisions NOW... but I'm not going to focus on loosing weight until February! I cant remember if I said in my last post why I decided on February or not but I will post again just in case... lol I have always wanted my babies to be born anywhere from end of May to end of October! so yeah... well that ended up being a LOT longer then I intended it to be... so I will end here!! :)

ok so yes this is ANOTHER blog about TTC... I'm sure there are about a million and one blogs about couples trying to conceive their own child... so this will make it a million and two! :)

so lets start with telling you about me and my husband! :) my name is Jessica! and my husband name is Mark! :) we have been married for 6 years and 2 months! we actually met online one night about 7 years ago... and we decided to meet up! well he came over to my house and pretty much the rest is history! we fell in love and a few weeks after we met decided that we were going to get married! so on 05/05/05 we did! Mark is the youngest of 6 children in his family and was at the time living at home with his parents... his parents had talked about wanting to go on a mission some day after my Father in-law was released from being his ward bishop... so we decided that we could live with them and save up money for a house and then by the time his dad was released they wouldn't have to worry about their house because we could watch it while they were gone. and it worked out pretty good! we lived with them for about 3 years and then they left for their mission for a year and a half then by the time they got back we decided to look for a house of our own! we actually found a town house that we really liked and started on the process of owning our first home! then came time for signing papers and what not... and that weekend (it was actually my birthday) we moved in! so we had been in for not even a week and we get a call saying that the previous owner had filed for bankruptcy the SAME DAY and that is WAS NOT our house! we were really upset by it all and tried to still get the house... but we failed... after 4 months of living there the bank decided that they were going to foreclose on the house and told us that if we moved out they would give us $2,000 or we could try to stay and try to get the house still and if we didn't we would have to move out anyways... so what did we do? we took the money and RAN! lol we moved back into my In-laws house and started looking for another house... by this time I was SICK of looking! but with LOTS of luck and time spent on looking for a house we found one! and it was a REAL house not a town house! and it had a fenced in back yard for our Yorkie Gracie! so we had a heck of a time finding a house but it all worked out in the end BETTER for us! :)

so on to the whole TTC stuff! from the beginning we said we wanted to TTC AFTER we got a house... but we had friends that had a baby and were getting ready to start TTC #2 and we both got a little baby hungry and decided why not? so after 3 years of marriage we decided to TTC! I was excited and nervous all at the same time... I KNEW our lives would FOREVER be changed with a child! but was anxiously ready! so we started trying... and trying... and trying... we tried for 9 months and nothing happened... I decided it was time to go see a OB/GYN and see why I wasn't having regular periods. and the doctor just put me on provera... (its a drug to bring on your periods) well so I gave that a try and got a period then waited for something to happen and nothing happened... so after 9 months of ttc I was upset and sad that it wasn't just a wham bam thank you mam type of deal so I got a puppy! :) our Gracie girl! I was content with having a puppy at the time so the doctor said "if you want to keep trying then we need to put you on some fertility drugs and if not we need to put you back on the pill" so back on the pill I went! fast forward to 2 years later after being diagnosed with Endometriosis and being in EXTREME amounts of pain CONSTANTLY I decided I want to ttc again so I could have my children and then get a hysterectomy thinking that would solve all of my problems... so then began our TTC journey for the 2nd time!

I still have irregular periods and for the first year of ttc was on provera and clomid every month and it WREAKED HAVOC on my body and marriage... I was VERY moody all the time and irritable not to mention the head aches I got from them too... so I went to my OB/GYN (different one then the first one) at the time and told her I didn't like the side effects... and wanted to know if I could get on a drug called famara and that's when the first bomb hit me... she told me that I would have to go see a specialist and that there was nothing more she could do for me... and that she thought my best bet in getting pregnant was to do IVF (in vetro fertilisation). it was really ironic that she had said that because right before we went into the office building I asked Mark about IVF. asked him if he would want to take out a loan for it if we had to do it... and he said that there was just NO WAY we could afford it... so when I hear this news I started crying. and we left her office with a name for a RE (reproductive endocrinalogist). I was holding in my sobs in the car the whole way home... and once we got to Marks parents house his parents asked how it went and I just threw myself on the floor and threw a fit like a 2 year old! its funny now looking back on it... but still reality hit me hard! I felt like I was NEVER going to be able to have a baby on my own... and I still feel that some times... so after that I kind of just gave up on Doctors, and pills. I just kind of gave up period... we still TTC just without anything... and most months it was a bust anyways because I wasn't Oing (Ovulating) but try we did... then I decided I wasn't going to take that doctors opinion and that I was going to take my IF (infertility) in my own hands and try to find another doctor that was willing to go through it all with me! I went to one and she was a MAJOR DUD!!! then a year later found my now OB/GYN and so far so good! I have really only been in to see her once and we talked about EVERYTHING and she seemed to be on the same page as me... she did blood work for EVERYTHING to make sure everything was normal... and it is... and to be honest I wish there was something that was abnormal so at least I would have a reason as to WHY I'm not pregnant yet! I wish there was a magic pill that would just do the trick for us... but so far nothing has worked... I am now on Metformin its actually a drug for women that have PCOS (polly cystic ovarian syndrome) and I don't have it... and it is also used for diabetics which I'm not... but hey we will give it a try... this is my 2nd cycle on it and its a LOT better then Clomid... I had decided to get on Metformin because I had over a 100 day cycle and didn't feel like I was going to start anytime soon so called my new awesome doctor and bam I got a script for it! :) the first cycle on it was only 50 days so that was cutting it in half from last cycle! so that's a big improvement! hey I will take it! ok I think I have talked your ear off enough for tonight... so I will call it a night for now! :)