getting my hopes up...

so I think EVERY cycle I get my hopes up... this cycle has been different... different in I feel like there is actually a REAL chance of getting pregnant, on fertility friend it said I Oed on CD 8 and thats WAY early especially for me! but we bded that morning! so perfect timing! everything seems perfect... I took a hpt at 14 DPO and it was a BFN! but my temps are still fairly high (although today it did go down a little...) and as long as they stay up I'm still in it! so maybe... "symptoms" I've been having are: I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired! yesterday I had to take a nap around 1:00 pm and didn't wake up until around 6:00 pm and then I was still sooooooooooooo EXHAUSTED that I went back to sleep an hour later and didn't get up until 4:00 this morning... but that could be because of my thyroid... every once in awhile I almost throw up... but that has only happened 2 times... so its nothing... and I guess I have had heart burn once...but that seems to really be it...

I really try not to get my hopes up every month because its DEVASTATING when the witch shows her UGLY face... but its soooooooo hard not to be hopeful! when its something you want soooooooooooooooooo bad it hurts its hard NOT to be hopeful! and I sooooooooooo want this! I was talking to Mark yesterday and said you know this would be THE PERFECT time to get pregnant, because then you have a reason to give a gift to everyone telling them you are pregnant and they wouldn't suspect it! it would be AWESOME! :) but with the one BFN in my belt for this cycle already I am starting to come back down to reality... and it is ok if Im not pregnant... I will be ok... it has to happen some time right? ok thats all for now ... TTFN! :)

BAD DAY! :(

so I couldn't sleep last night... per my usual! but I just started bawling at like 4:45 am... and kept thinking "what did I do so wrong that I can't have a baby?!?!" there has been soooooooo many "good days" that I was bound to have a "bad day"... and boy did I EVER!

I was talking with my best friend today and I just have to say THANK GOODNESS for GOOD friends, and an AMAZING husband! I really don't know what I would do with out them! I just feel soooo hopeless... like its NEVER going to happen for us... so it looks as if today is just going to be a cry fest day...

an Understanding...

I know its been FOREVER! I just didn't have anything new to say! I'm still not pregnant... and nothing is new with that... I did however decided that I NEED to be thankful for what I HAVE! I have the MOST AMAZING Husband! who LOVES me unconditionally. he is ALWAYS there to lend a ear, hug or a kiss! And My Gracie girl!!! I just Love her sooooooooooo much! she has helped me MANY times! and is ALWAYS there for a kiss if I need one!

The Understanding:

I understand that there is a possibility that I may NEVER give birth to a child! and that is hard to swallow... but its there none the less... so I need to be more focused on the NOW instead of the "WHAT IF's"! I came to the conclusion that I don't WANT to be that person! the person that is ALWAYS complaining about not being able to have something... I started realizing that I was sick of talking about not being able to get pregnant and I was sure if I was getting sick of it then EVERYONE else HAD TO HAVE BEEN TOO!!! lol so right there and then I decided I wouldn't bring it up anymore... if someone else started talking or asking me about it then I would talk about it... but I am not going to be that person any more! I don't want people to feel sorry for me... and I don't want people to feel like they can't share their news about being pregnant with me... I want to celebrate it with everyone! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy that they don't have to struggle with Infertility like Mark and I have to... it did take me a long time to get here though... lol I was bitter not too long ago when I would hear about someone being able to get pregnant and here we are still ttc... and to be honest it does still hurt... but I can be HAPPY for them now! where as before I was too busy being bitter and mad and hurt that I couldn't be. don't get me wrong there are still days where I just want to hide in a hole... and be sad and PISSED, but they don't happen as often... then there are days when I can still look at Mark while he is sleeping and think to myself "I wonder if our baby is going to have his perfect lips?" and be filled with AWE and LOVE! but for now it is what it is! we are who we are... and if I could change the fact that we are childless I would! I wish I could take away all of the hurt and pain Infertility costs all of us that deal with it... but it does make us STRONGER! and maybe we have to deal with something soo heart breaking in order to realize what we have! so everyone that reads this... HUG YOUR HUSBAND tight! :)