my appointment... and a BIG SURPRISE!!!

sorry it took so long for me to get in here and post... but Im here now!

so my appointment was as to be expected! my doctor decided that the best thing for me was to take a break from TTC! because of my endo pain she felt my body needed a break! and I agreed with her... I was heart broken to know that I was not going to be ttc anymore... or at least for awhile! but I felt like it was the best thing for me... I wanted to focus on loosing weight and getting healthy! so I slowly started talking myself into being okay with the break! and I truly was okay! I started taking BCP's (birth control pills!) that night and put ANYTHING and EVERYTHING baby or TTC related AWAY!!! I just couldnt stand looking at that stuff! well ... yesterday I decided to test JUST IN CASE!!! I just kept getting this feeling to test... and I kept telling myself to KNOCK it off!!! lol but then finally yesterday I listened to myself and tested! so I took the test and Mark and I jumped in the shower... when we got out I looked at the test and said "OMGOSH!!!!" and Mark said "what its a BFN?" and I looked at him and said "NO theres 2 LINES!!!"

and showed him the test! we were both completely and utterly SHOCKED!!! so I did a digital Clear Blue test and while I was waiting for the results I was shaking and crying and just in AWE! Mark thought I was upset and that was why I was crying... and he said "its ok... BREATH Honey!!!" lol I reassured him I was fine! just SHOCKED! and then the test results were in!!! the word "pregnant" was lit up on the screen of the test!

so there you have it! the most BEAUTIFUL word that you can see while TTC!!! we are completely SHOCKED! nervous and happy!!! :)

tomorrow is my appointment!

I go in to see my OBGYN tomorrow... and to be honest I'm anxious about it... I'm worried that she is going to say that she can't do anything more for me and send me to a RE! :( like my last doctor did... I just don't want this to be it! that my ONLY option to get pregnant is to go see a RE! and lets be honest I REALLY don't want to spend that kind of money! why is it so easy for the majority of people to get pregnant and not me? why are all of my siblings able to get pregnant and not me? I'm just in one of those moods today... frustrated that after almost 3 years of TTC I STILL don't have ANY answers!!! UGH! I wish things were different but they aren't ... and I do need to keep reminding myself that I'm soooooo blessed with all that I already have! I KNOW I am! I KNOW I couldn't get through all of this without Mark by my side holding me when I'm bawling my eyes out... and telling me he loves me! or without my Gracie girl! who tries to lick all of my tears away! or my family! the ones that I can call and tell them I'm having a really bad day and will drop everything and come get me and spend the whole day shopping with me! or my friends online that are ALWAYS there to give me a cyber hug, and who know what I'm going through! I am soooooooooooooo blessed! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! you all have been my support! my ROCK! when I'm not able to carry my load I know ALL of you are there to help me! so I guess I should say THANK YOU!!! it helps to be able to type it all down once in awhile to help get me out of that funk I guess! lol I really don't forget how much support and love I have but when I just typed it, wow it puts things in perspective! so I think I'm going to end it here! and think about what I just typed... TTFN!

Test Results! :)

so a little late... but I needed a little bit of time to let it all sink in... so the results are good! :) I call them SUPER SPERM!!! lol ok the numbers...

for Volume the norm should be 2ML or greater... and Marks was 9 ML!!!

for how many sperm are in a ML the norm should be 20 Mill or grater Marks was 85 MILL!!!

for Total norm is 40 Mill and Marks was 765 MILL!!!

Motility norm is 50% Marks is 69% (motility is if they swim in a straight line! ;) )

Kruger Morphology norm is 15 Marks is 9... (Morphology is the shape the sperm are) and the nurse said that since Mark has SOOOOOOO much sperm the 9 shouldnt be a problem!

so YAY! its nice to know that Marks swimmers are good! and we dont have to add on to the problem... the down side is that we still dont know why I cant get pregnant!!! UGH! it has been bitter sweet! Im THANKFUL that we dont have to deal with MFI (Male Factor Infertility), but it would explain why we cant get pregnant! but I go to my doctor on Tuesday and Im worried that my doctor is going to say that I need to go to a RE! I just would rather get pregnant and spend that money on the baby in stead of paying just to GET PREGNANT! lol but I guess we have to do what we have to do... and wait and see what happens... thats all for now folks! so TTFN!!! :)

tests, STRESS, and DEPRESSION!

so Friday we did a SA (semen analysis)! I have to wait for 3 days for the results... but I'm assuming that wouldn't be until wed. tomorrow... and I've been sooooooo stressed out about the results that I'm depressed... :( I don't want to talk to anyone I didn't even want to get on the internet I just wanted to stay curled up in a ball and do nothing... what stresses me out is that either way the results are I'm going to be crushed... if Marks sperm is ok then that means I'M STILL BROKEN AND NO ONE CAN FIGURE IT OUT! if its a low count or anything else then how good are our chances of getting pregnant without MA?!?!? so no matter what its not good news! but it would be better to know if we even have a chance... if his sperm count is not up to par we can try to make it better! and go from there... but if its not his fault where does that leave us? back at square ONE! I just wish I could find a doctor that WANTED to figure me out... that would do EVERYTHING they could to figure it out! but I don't think I'm going to find a doctor like that out there... and that's depressing... so I guess I just wait and hold my breath for what happens next... I will keep you updated when we get the results! TTFN!

pills pills and more pills!

so I decided to try FertileAid and FertileCM... I started taking it technically yesterday for the first time... I was able to sleep for 2 hours and then Gracie woke me up whining needing to go out... so I got up and couldnt sleep anymore... so here I am! ;) so I have to take the FertileAid and FertlieCM 3 pills a day plus the 3 metformin pills I take a day... it seems like Im taking soooooooooo many pills and I dont like that I have to take all of these pills... but I have to do what I have to do... if the end result is a baby then its worth it! so the total count of pills I take a day is 10! 10 freaking pills a day... YIKES! its Crazy! what people do to try to get pregnant... I find myself doing things I wouldnt normally do... I wouldnt normally take that many pills! I dont like taking them... I wish I didnt have to wake up every morning and worry about my temps... and I wouldnt worry about getting Marks S.A. done... but we are going to get that done on Friday... Im worried about the results of that test... I dont want it to be bad news but if it was then there would be a ANSWER!! Im stuck with thinking that no one can figure me out... I KNOW that I have something wrong with me... but thats all for now... TTFN

OUCH! :( and new game plan! :)

I HATE HATE HATE ENDO!!!! Im thinking I need to get another Lap done... :( Im sooooooooooooo not looking forward to that... its not as bad as last time but its bad enough... :( but on the bright side I would be more likely to conceive up to 6-12 months after the surgery... so I might have to talk to my doctor about that at my next appointment in Feb.!

so my new game plan is this: I ordered FertileAid and FertileCM and they should be here any day! then I ordered some Preseed! soooooooo excited to try them all out! I have heard nothing but GREAT THINGS with those things!!! so I guess I will have to give a review after I try it out! :) stay tuned for that! ;) TTFN!

GREAT feelings! :)

I feel sooooooooooo ready to take on this year! :) I'm sitting here waiting for Mark to wake up thinking "Man I CAN'T WAIT until I get pregnant!!!" I really can't! I just get sooooooooooo excited thinking about when its my turn! :) Im going to be sooooooooo happy! I don't think ANYTHING could stop me once I can actually GET pregnant! lol

do you ever have those mornings where you wake up and you are just sooooooooooooooooooo HAPPY and feel soooooooo blessed for what you already have? that's what I woke up feeling today! I'm just ready to kick infertility in the BUTT!!! and be HAPPY! :) I know that it may take a little while longer... but I'm ready! :) BRING IT ON!!! :) lol until my next melt down day! lol TTFN

feelings...

sorry its been sooooooooooooo long since I posted... I've been busy and also down in the dumps... first off I'm not pregnant! :( BOO!!! I was soooooooooooooo excited for last cycle... it was like being a child on Christmas morning! I was hoping that I would be able to give everyone a gift saying that we were pregnant but it was not meant to be... so I had a little pity party for myself... but I wasn't able to stay down in the dumps for very long... we had soooooooooo much going on with Christmas and New Years! Mark had 3 weeks off!! :) it was so nice having him home! he goes back on Monday and I'm REALLY sad to see him go... :( but life goes on! anywho Marks brother Glen came for Christmas with his son Jon. (they live in Chicago) and then is other son Tristan and Tristan's girlfriend Viv came out the day after Christmas! it was really nice seeing them and being able to spend time with them! we spent almost every day with them! and if we weren't with them we were with other family! it was fun! but man am I glad its just back to being Mark, Gracie and me! for Christmas my sisters decided that they weren't even going to invite me to "our Family" Christmas party/dinner... so Mark, Gracie and I just stayed home... I cried to Mark telling him that I was a failure, I couldn't get pregnant, I'm a FAT COW, and my Family hates me! :( it was not fun! but Mark reassured me that it is their loss that I'm not in their lives and that I will be a mother and that I'm (in his words) a pretty pretty princess! lmao! he really is the BEST husband anyone could ever ask for! I just love him soooooooo much! so even though my feelings are hurt by my family once again... I'm still HAPPY! :) I can let go of the stupidity for their petty reasons for hating me or not allowing me to be apart of the "family"! I can be the "bigger" person if they will not! and for now just get my feelings hurt and let it go!

so its onto the next cycle... I am back to not having a lot of faith that it will ever happen for me... but it is what it is! I have faith that I WILL get pregnant just not so much with this cycle! lol ;) I cant remember if I said in the last post that maybe my dream was saying that I was going to get pregnant in June instead of last month... Idk only time will tell! :) TTFN! :)